Thursday, April 5, 2012
You may remember when I wrote about how I am more comfortable through writing than talking. For some of you who may not get along with my writing, please ignore what I try to recall you.
Long story short, I have a responsible handling one project at my office. It requires me to be more expressive, pushy, and talking a lot. I am not comfortable with it. I know I have to push myself for the god's sake of professionalism. I know how to adapt and so far I am very good in anger and feelings management. As I have seen myself further, I never put my personal feelings into working life. I never mix feelings and I am sure I am very good at it.
I know how to control. I know.
As an employee in the bottom of hierarchy, I do know I should accept whatever the challenges are. I push myself, harder and harder for something I don't comfortable with.
Until yesterday, I banged up the phone, I was crying, I didn't know how to control anymore.
I ran out of energy, felt so angry for the mistake I never did, for the misunderstanding, for everything. I hate why people yelled at me, called me stupid so blatant for something I never did.
I yelled back, I fought back.
and I regret.
That's the first.
Today's afternoon, I unconsciously replied email to my closest colleagues and my bosses the way too harsh. It is too straight forward kind of words and it is not acceptable in Public Relations industry because we are the people who should be well-trained to fake everything to be as good as possible, we are the people who should be well-trained to please everyone.
And I am failed.
I am so sorry for my attitude. I am just tired if I can make that as an excuse. But I am not supposed to be tired, yes? I know feeling "tired" is not professional at all. If you're complaining too much, why don't you just leave? That's why I shouldn't complain about my job, because if I commit to stay then I have to take all the risks and challenges.
And it is not because of the job itself, to be frank. It is me.
It is me who are not comfortable enough to get in touch with so many people too often. It is me.
I have told you the truth. I realize myself of being introverted person. I know how to deal with myself and how to adapt but sometimes, my surroundings didn't give me a space to deal with my-introverted-self first, before I am ready to be forced to deal with so many people again.
If I can explain it shortly, my life pace should be like this:
deal with too many people - feel exhausted - recharge myself - ready to deal with so many people again
You read the part "recharge"? Yes, that is the most important part. I need to recharge myself. I need to retreat. I need to give myself a very own me-time to pull my soul back into place.
And not so many people understand about this.
People only can judge me as a loner, pathetic, mellow, full of sorrow and sadness.
I am not. I just need to recharge myself.
I am not like extroverted person who always have excess energy to deal with people.
I just need one or two, and I am happy.
As time goes by, I just wonder that working in this PR industry is not a good option for my mental health. You have seen this domino effect in me for these two days.
When I am tired and prone to bitch back people, it is not me. I don't hold this rules. It is not because I can't survive. It is simply because I actually can choose.
But I have no idea where should I go, and I regret why I chose Communication studies in the first place back then. I thought it should be more suitable for me, the fact is not. Or is it because of my first experience after graduated? Or maybe should I experience more out there and try other companies? Or should I push myself again to hold on any longer so I can make sure whether I really regret or not living in this business?
That is the third regret so far.
Picture is taken from here.