For the past two months, there are plenty friends said to me that I always smile, I am too happy as a woman, I never take anything seriously, I have a good life, I have a great family, I have a lovely boyfriend, I never look sad and so forth. I smile here, a laugh bursting there. They always see me happy, no matter where I go or even in 2 minutes before big presentation at class. They said it is rare to find me looking down and upset or about to burst into tears. They have been wondering how I manage to be looked like always "happy". The reason I wrote this is, because just hours ago, my boyfriend also said that from the first time he met me, I rarely look sad.
I am not mentally ill, that's number one.
At several moments, I got to be honest that I put fake smile and force it upon my face everyday, but I think it is an ability that I gained and grown up upon throughout my months, years of training of doing it because I just don't want people see me in sad mode. You may not know my past or what was happening in my life, you just sense the pain in me if I look sad and I don't want to spread my sadness with others. It is my problem, I don't want to share it. I know sometimes it is bad to show my happiness isn't that genuine.
However, I express my smile and laughter because I am expert in hiding my real or deep feelings or pain emotions, not just like simply spontaneous expression towards something weird. It is something far more serious than that. One day, my Mom said that I was hurting for too long and too much and I kept it for my self until it eventually come to a break point. A break point where I burst into tears of emotion and become fragile as my shattering heart breaks into pieces. To the point when they looked my eyes, it was just too sad. My eyes filled with tears of fear, hurt, and sadness. As my heart become lighter and my fear suddenly become gentle from the pain I have been holding on for too long with the facade I have been keeping on. Sometimes the littles thing in life changes someone forever and there will be times when I wish I can go back to how things used to be but I just can't because things have changed so much.
And at one point in my life, I think that if I wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, I'd be better at actually being happy. I am now. I am happy now but it doesn't mean that I don't have my own dealings with my own sorrow.
I should think the other way round too. The people around me, my friends, my family members, strangers, boyfriend, or anyone may be the person hurting with a smile on their face or a sudden burst of normal bittersweet laughter you hear everyday.
One thing is, the happiest people aren't always so happy. Sometimes, I do really want to have a heart-to-heart talk. You don't have to give any opinion, just to be "there" for me but I don't know where to start. A long hug, maybe.