Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I'm officially afraid of my own thoughts

This again.

I'm afraid of my own thoughts due to this insecurity, a deep-seated fear, that I have no control over my thoughts. That obsessive thoughts can, worm their way, uninvited into my brain, my heart at any moment and turn any peace into trauma, turn joy into misery.

I've heard people, including my boyfriend and psychologist, try to reassure me by saying, "They are only thoughts". Really? Just thoughts? I just don't like when people say it like it is a piece of cake kind of problem. Have you really experienced the full brunt of having obsessive thoughts? Self-sabotaging thoughts, which by their existence function to tear down the very substance of your brain, the integrity of your control center, the very essence of you? That is how seriously I take it.

Imagine there's a thought that can make "x" happen to you. The consequence causes you a great deal of fear. Perhaps it sabotages something, like it stops you from being able to feel happy. Now your fear is happening. What do people do when they fear something? They just think about it even more. Once this obsession makes them unhappy and upsets them, they begin to fear the obsession itself and it spirals out of control. Soon they become so consumed in this seemingly ludicrous cycle of thoughts sparking off negative emotions that they are unable to escape it, without strong sedatives or mood stabilizers. Now thoughts without emotions are fairly arbitrary and dare I say, harmless. A thought's power to hurt comes from its emotional punch. If you think of death, but it arouses no emotion, you may as well be thinking of bunny rabbits. It's not the thought of death that is so terrible, but the intense feeling of dread or other negative emotion that accompanies it. This is what happens with negative associations of thoughts in the brain, a negative emotion always accompanies the brain in such a fashion that it trains the brain to fire off an impulse with the thought.


But most people have some degree of self-control. A man may feel anger toward his wife for cheating on him. He may fantasize about hurting her physically as an expression of his anger. But that doesn't necessarily indicate that he will act on that fantasy and actually punch his wife, because most people can control their impulses.

I, I should have controlled my feelings. I succeeded to control it until tonight. I expressed my insecurity to others based on my worst experience that happened almost two years ago. It surely turns into trauma.

I become a typical woman who is very insecure.

So please, especially to someone that I hope to read this carefully. Please confront me gently when you share stories about your surroundings to me.

  • Ask me if it is scaring me. 
  • Ask me what you can do to help me. 
  • Ask me if I would feel okay if you talked to me about the specifics. 

Your ability to be present with me in spite of my remorse and self-condemnation will help me to heal my broken spirit. I do really want you to listen to me. If I say it long enough on chat, please respond that you have listened to me, not to ignore me. Please, reassure me that you have listened to my words. All I need is the meaning and value of true unconditional support.

.. and it's already new year 2014 here in Singapore.

Good night.