Being Happily Alone

It seems today, there is something wrong if you're alone or if you choose to be alone, not in the term of being lonely but just enough to feel solitary. We praise those that know how to handle themselves in a crowd, people with vast network of friends. Yes, the extroverts. We think that working in groups and on teams is the only way to find the answer to a problem and that two heads are better than one.

I don't feel that way. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me when I don't feel like going to parties or working on big teams or being the center of attention. And oh, brainstorming, I hate those sessions like I wanna just go home and die. I also see my friends wondering what is wrong with me when I want to stay in. I see them collaborating on projects together, I also see them being so alive when they have brainstorm sessions and wonder if there's something wrong with me because I prefer to shut my mouth and prefer to work alone. All I can take at least some solace in knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not the only one who feels the way I feel.

I've been writing a lot about my own self being an introvert in this blog and being an introvert doesn't mean I don't enjoy going out or having friends or being the center of attention once in a while.

It means that is not where I get the most value from my life. 

If I'm going to work on a team, don't ask me to brainstorm with you as I won't come up with anything useful *grin. Maybe you can leave me alone to think awhile and you might be surprised at what I can accomplish.

Well, that are things that I'm still struggling on these days. I live in a bunch of extroverts and I don't know yet how to stay alive in this situation :| They suck up my energy and I feel so drained. People might think that I'm anti social, I'm not. I just gain my strength and value close relationships.

Good day, everyone.

Like they say..
"There is great value in being alone. And handling it well is a beautiful thing."

Quite Sad

It is quite sad knowing that you can do so much more but you are not given any opportunity to do it.

I am disappointed.

Hello!

For those who I've unshared, unfriended and I don't choose to be near with,

I know myself very well, and I know we don't have that chemistry. I choose my own friends and I disclose my life stories to several people that I trust.

By this, I am happier each day.

I just can't find it

And I feel so weird. Right now everything looks so strange to me, as if I don't belong here. It is me that is out of place. And the worst thing is that I feel there's somewhere I do belong, but I just can't find it.

Believe

Believe, no matter what you're going through,
God is be with you.
- NN

It's Okay

I am responsible for my own happiness.
I am the only person who can make me feel better.

However,
It's okay to feel the things that I feel.
It's okay to cry.

2013 was incredible! Let's rock 2014!

I’ve always written in journals, shot photos, kept blogs - I don’t mind looking back, on both the good and the bad. Live, learn, and move forward. In retrospect, 2013 was an incredible year; the year of changes and growth.

I’m proud of the achievement I got and the opportunities I was given. I feel fortunate for everything I did, new people I met, and the good friendships that were strengthened. I really have the best friends, and constantly feel inspired by the people I surround myself with. And of course, my engagement and my new family ❤

And while 2013 was great, I always ring in the New Year knowing the next is only going to be better than the last. 

Have a blast! 

I'm officially afraid of my own thoughts

This again.

I'm afraid of my own thoughts due to this insecurity, a deep-seated fear, that I have no control over my thoughts. That obsessive thoughts can, worm their way, uninvited into my brain, my heart at any moment and turn any peace into trauma, turn joy into misery.

I've heard people, including my boyfriend and psychologist, try to reassure me by saying, "They are only thoughts". Really? Just thoughts? I just don't like when people say it like it is a piece of cake kind of problem. Have you really experienced the full brunt of having obsessive thoughts? Self-sabotaging thoughts, which by their existence function to tear down the very substance of your brain, the integrity of your control center, the very essence of you? That is how seriously I take it.

Imagine there's a thought that can make "x" happen to you. The consequence causes you a great deal of fear. Perhaps it sabotages something, like it stops you from being able to feel happy. Now your fear is happening. What do people do when they fear something? They just think about it even more. Once this obsession makes them unhappy and upsets them, they begin to fear the obsession itself and it spirals out of control. Soon they become so consumed in this seemingly ludicrous cycle of thoughts sparking off negative emotions that they are unable to escape it, without strong sedatives or mood stabilizers. Now thoughts without emotions are fairly arbitrary and dare I say, harmless. A thought's power to hurt comes from its emotional punch. If you think of death, but it arouses no emotion, you may as well be thinking of bunny rabbits. It's not the thought of death that is so terrible, but the intense feeling of dread or other negative emotion that accompanies it. This is what happens with negative associations of thoughts in the brain, a negative emotion always accompanies the brain in such a fashion that it trains the brain to fire off an impulse with the thought.

---------------------------

But most people have some degree of self-control. A man may feel anger toward his wife for cheating on him. He may fantasize about hurting her physically as an expression of his anger. But that doesn't necessarily indicate that he will act on that fantasy and actually punch his wife, because most people can control their impulses.

I, I should have controlled my feelings. I succeeded to control it until tonight. I expressed my insecurity to others based on my worst experience that happened almost two years ago. It surely turns into trauma.

I become a typical woman who is very insecure.

So please, especially to someone that I hope to read this carefully. Please confront me gently when you share stories about your surroundings to me.

• Ask me if it is scaring me. 
• Ask me what you can do to help me. 
• Ask me if I would feel okay if you talked to me about the specifics. 

Your ability to be present with me in spite of my remorse and self-condemnation will help me to heal my broken spirit. I do really want you to listen to me. If I say it long enough on chat, please respond that you have listened to me, not to ignore me. Please, reassure me that you have listened to my words. All I need is the meaning and value of true unconditional support.

.. and it's already new year 2014 here in Singapore.

Good night.

Straight to the eyes

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say..
"But I lived through it.
.. And it made me who I am today".

Women

Women feel more guilt than men, not because of some weird chromosomal issue but because they have a history of being blamed for other people’s behavior.

You get hit, you must have annoyed someone; you get raped, you must have excited someone; your kid is a junkie, you must have brought him up wrong.

A Call To Come Home

Bogor, Indonesia

It is the most intriguing situation when I have deep thought of coming back to Indonesia, my home country. I have been back and forth to several places and the last one, I have been living in Singapore for a straight year to pursue my degree.

It left me with those sleepless nights, branches of thoughts contemplating about coming home or not coming home. Living abroad giving me the most valuable experiences that I never imagine before, meeting new people with different characters, learning new things out of my comfortable zone.

But there is one thing, a call, that have been echoing in my ears to come back to my home country. I know Indonesia is not one of your favourite countries nor one of your dream countries to live in. I know, we have so many complex internal problems within our nation towards social issues, corruption, poverty, and so forth. Controversy.

Those chaotic daily scenes that I took for granted for years living in Jakarta. Those pity faces from beggars, street vendors begging for money and struggling to live in this city. While on the other hand, this country has so many things to offer despite all of the problems.

At this point, I know what is missing for living abroad, far from home. And like they say, the pursue of a greater life abroad has not necessarily made a person entirely happy. I was flitting through several countries so far just to realise that I can unfold, flourish, and thrive living in Jakarta with great offerings.

It is simply a call to come home after all the adventures, perils, and discoveries.

Just to realise how beautiful my life journey is. It is the time I settle down and rest on my old, familiar pillow.

Wish me luck :)

Long enough

You just feel ignored for long enough and it is just nice to feel so special now.

If Onlys

You are going to lose people in your life and realise that no matter how much time you spent with them, no matter how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it is enough.

You are only left by a huge empty hole and deep yearning. What you can do is wishing "if only"s.

How come.

Sorry, I think I am too demanding lately. I am prolly experiencing life in a flat line now and desperately craving for attention. 

Jesus. How come.

Ironic

Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to value silence. Absence to value presence.

Heck, who am I talking about life. Just a 25yo woman with lack of experiences.

Updates!

Apparently, 2013 is a good year for a number of my friends to take Master's Degree and I am already here, finish my Master's degree and work on other plans. Ready to go back to Jakarta, living a happier life with my boyfriend, building my new career, preparing my wedding, and simply having fun.

It's also the time to prepare my identity call, pick my family, and embrace new chapter of my life. Or else, it's going to be late meanwhile in four years, I will enter the third decades of my life.

Wish me luck :)

Have a little faith

I hope I made the right decision. For the people and all the good things I put my dreams and trust in, please don't fail me.

Update! Update!

• I am graduating May 9th. I could not be anymore frightened than I am now.
• My convocation will be held on August 2nd.
• I had my thesis presentation done. I got A. Worth it.
• My assignments are done. Happy but tired.
• Finals are coming up. It starts tomorrow. I’m slightly dying.
• I have one exam this week. I ended up hardly studying for the exam.
• I think about my lack of blogging every single day.
• I’m busy. Really busy. 
• Love life still exist. Thank you boyfriend for always staying besides me.
• I miss and loveeee my Tumblr. Seriously. Thank you for giving me such a supportive online community, and continuing to do so. I am consoled. 
• The past one month have been rough. 
• I’m feeling halfway decent.
• I am home alone right now. Mom and Dad are going back to Indonesia. Elder sister and her husband are in Seoul. Second sister and her husband are in Kuala Lumpur. 
• I am thinking of going back to Indonesia for good.
• I do really want to meet my boyfriend. As soon as possible.
• For the most part, I’m happy, confused, nervous…. all at the same time. Go figure.

Pic is taken from here.

Just saying

Never hurt the people who love you a lot, because they won’t hurt you back. But they’ll probably have no choice but to leave you forever.

Signs that I'm sleep deprived

1. I am hungry all the times. I find myself snacking an hour, no, a minute after eating lunch and dinner.
2. I particularly crave sweets more than usual which is probably to energise my body in lieu of all the sleep I am not getting.
3. I keep getting colds.
4. I fall asleep within 5 minutes of going to bed.
5. Everything irritates me. 
6. I misplace my things. 
7. I have become clumsy.
8. I am more forgetful than usual. 
9. I am more emotional than usual. 
10. I have fallen  into short bouts of sleep while sitting in MRT.
11. My attention span has severely diminished.
12. My ability to converse with people is barely existent. I speak Indonesian to my Singaporean, European, Chinese, Indian fellows.
13. Everyone keeps telling me that I look tired. 
14. Sometimes everyone is right.