Being Happily Alone

It seems today, there is something wrong if you're alone or if you choose to be alone, not in the term of being lonely but just enough to feel solitary. We praise those that know how to handle themselves in a crowd, people with vast network of friends. Yes, the extroverts. We think that working in groups and on teams is the only way to find the answer to a problem and that two heads are better than one.

I don't feel that way. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me when I don't feel like going to parties or working on big teams or being the center of attention. And oh, brainstorming, I hate those sessions like I wanna just go home and die. I also see my friends wondering what is wrong with me when I want to stay in. I see them collaborating on projects together, I also see them being so alive when they have brainstorm sessions and wonder if there's something wrong with me because I prefer to shut my mouth and prefer to work alone. All I can take at least some solace in knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not the only one who feels the way I feel.

I've been writing a lot about my own self being an introvert in this blog and being an introvert doesn't mean I don't enjoy going out or having friends or being the center of attention once in a while.

It means that is not where I get the most value from my life. 

If I'm going to work on a team, don't ask me to brainstorm with you as I won't come up with anything useful *grin. Maybe you can leave me alone to think awhile and you might be surprised at what I can accomplish.

Well, that are things that I'm still struggling on these days. I live in a bunch of extroverts and I don't know yet how to stay alive in this situation :| They suck up my energy and I feel so drained. People might think that I'm anti social, I'm not. I just gain my strength and value close relationships.

Good day, everyone.

Like they say..
"There is great value in being alone. And handling it well is a beautiful thing."

Quite Sad

It is quite sad knowing that you can do so much more but you are not given any opportunity to do it.

I am disappointed.

Hello!

For those who I've unshared, unfriended and I don't choose to be near with,

I know myself very well, and I know we don't have that chemistry. I choose my own friends and I disclose my life stories to several people that I trust.

By this, I am happier each day.

I just can't find it

And I feel so weird. Right now everything looks so strange to me, as if I don't belong here. It is me that is out of place. And the worst thing is that I feel there's somewhere I do belong, but I just can't find it.

Believe

Believe, no matter what you're going through,
God is be with you.
- NN

Nervous

It is exciting when you find parts of yourself in someone else.

Counting months to the big day. 

It's Okay

I am responsible for my own happiness.
I am the only person who can make me feel better.

However,
It's okay to feel the things that I feel.
It's okay to cry.

Sorry

It's nice when he stays up late just to talk to me before he falls asleep.
Sorry.

I love you.

2013 was incredible! Let's rock 2014!

I’ve always written in journals, shot photos, kept blogs - I don’t mind looking back, on both the good and the bad. Live, learn, and move forward. In retrospect, 2013 was an incredible year; the year of changes and growth.

I’m proud of the achievement I got and the opportunities I was given. I feel fortunate for everything I did, new people I met, and the good friendships that were strengthened. I really have the best friends, and constantly feel inspired by the people I surround myself with. And of course, my engagement and my new family ❤

And while 2013 was great, I always ring in the New Year knowing the next is only going to be better than the last. 

Have a blast! 

Happy New Year 2014, my love!

When you smiled, you had my undivided attention.

When you laughed, you had my urge to laugh with you.

When you cried, you had my urge to hold you.

When you said you love me, you had my heart like forever. 

Happy New Year 2014! This year shall rock. God be with and guide both of us all.

I love you, my dearest, my only one, Yonas. 

I'm officially afraid of my own thoughts

This again.

I'm afraid of my own thoughts due to this insecurity, a deep-seated fear, that I have no control over my thoughts. That obsessive thoughts can, worm their way, uninvited into my brain, my heart at any moment and turn any peace into trauma, turn joy into misery.

I've heard people, including my boyfriend and psychologist, try to reassure me by saying, "They are only thoughts". Really? Just thoughts? I just don't like when people say it like it is a piece of cake kind of problem. Have you really experienced the full brunt of having obsessive thoughts? Self-sabotaging thoughts, which by their existence function to tear down the very substance of your brain, the integrity of your control center, the very essence of you? That is how seriously I take it.

Imagine there's a thought that can make "x" happen to you. The consequence causes you a great deal of fear. Perhaps it sabotages something, like it stops you from being able to feel happy. Now your fear is happening. What do people do when they fear something? They just think about it even more. Once this obsession makes them unhappy and upsets them, they begin to fear the obsession itself and it spirals out of control. Soon they become so consumed in this seemingly ludicrous cycle of thoughts sparking off negative emotions that they are unable to escape it, without strong sedatives or mood stabilizers. Now thoughts without emotions are fairly arbitrary and dare I say, harmless. A thought's power to hurt comes from its emotional punch. If you think of death, but it arouses no emotion, you may as well be thinking of bunny rabbits. It's not the thought of death that is so terrible, but the intense feeling of dread or other negative emotion that accompanies it. This is what happens with negative associations of thoughts in the brain, a negative emotion always accompanies the brain in such a fashion that it trains the brain to fire off an impulse with the thought.

---------------------------

But most people have some degree of self-control. A man may feel anger toward his wife for cheating on him. He may fantasize about hurting her physically as an expression of his anger. But that doesn't necessarily indicate that he will act on that fantasy and actually punch his wife, because most people can control their impulses.

I, I should have controlled my feelings. I succeeded to control it until tonight. I expressed my insecurity to others based on my worst experience that happened almost two years ago. It surely turns into trauma.

I become a typical woman who is very insecure.

So please, especially to someone that I hope to read this carefully. Please confront me gently when you share stories about your surroundings to me.

• Ask me if it is scaring me. 
• Ask me what you can do to help me. 
• Ask me if I would feel okay if you talked to me about the specifics. 

Your ability to be present with me in spite of my remorse and self-condemnation will help me to heal my broken spirit. I do really want you to listen to me. If I say it long enough on chat, please respond that you have listened to me, not to ignore me. Please, reassure me that you have listened to my words. All I need is the meaning and value of true unconditional support.

.. and it's already new year 2014 here in Singapore.

Good night.

A Cup of Qualities :)

Looking for a life partner could be very tricky and confusing. I've been always thinking about the qualities that my boyfriend should have. Below are several points of traits or qualities that I can come up to:

Lighthearted

I would like him to be carefree and cheerful, even though he's having the roughest time of his life. It takes a lot of strength of someone to be happy at that particular moment and it's something that I wish gradually learn from him.

Intelligent

Intelligence is a big turn on for me. I've always found it interesting and appreciate people who could have deep conversations for hours, without finding it frustrating or lame. I'd really like one who would be all random and tells me about his theory on a new inspiration or anything that just crossed his mind, etc. I want someone who's able to inspire me and open up my mind! All I say is, I love geek :P

Possessive 

I don't know somehow, I find this trait really cute and adorable because it shows how much he doesn't want to lose me. I don't mean all possessive like I can't shake another guy's hand, but in a sense that would be too much for him to bear. Instead of bitching at me for accidentally crossing the border, I'd also like him to be straight forward about it, making me understand the inability to control his feelings if he can't, instead of losing temper, going mad at me or some other things. 

Kindness

A good heart keeps me feeling safe and secure, and it melts me right down to the core when I see an act of kindness. I wouldn't mind him being kind to other girls, because he would be intelligent enough to know his boundaries and such. I'd really appreciate if he would be able to give constructive criticism in a kind manner as well. Because a bad temper is a big no-no, sarcasm is ridiculous! He would be slow at picking serious fights, because he wouldn't want me to see me get hurt, but I don't mind silly argument :P

Playful

I'd really love a guy who's a child at heart, because that means we could do a lot of childish things together and I wouldn't have to hear him say, "Grow Up!" most of the time. Maybe we'd sneak into some kid's playground, you know the one with a lot of small, colourful balls? Yeah, and we're too smart to get caught. Maybe even try to pull a prank on our friends? I'm sure we'd come up with something funny and amazing. 

Honesty

This trait is very important to me because it takes guts to be honest and come clean. I believe that no one is free from mistakes and we all learn from it, well, at least we try. He should at least tell me about his mistakes. I don't really care about his dark deadly past as long as he's trying his best to learn from it and stay true in front of me. Because that ways he won'e be caught in a pile of lies after lies and be self destructive. 

Caring

Of course, as overrated as this trait sounds, but I fancy one who would ask me what's going on when I act out of the ordinary. I'd really appreciate his nurturing gestures as well and his effort to get the beans out of the can. Okay, that sounded weird. 

Weird

Yes! I honestly prefers someone who is weird and unique in his own way, because I'm not really sane normal, to be honest. I'd adore someone who is able to relate his weirdness to mine and being able to be comfortable in his skin. I bet he longs the same as I do, for someone to have the ability to understand that beautiful side of him and accepts it. 

Passionate

I could never love a guy who's cold towards me 24/7. I dream for one to be really sensible and puts an effort to open the door for me or bring me a flower or two. Surprise me with gifts at random times, even if it's not anything expensive like just a simple note, it would certainly brighten up my day. Less is more? Of course, I dig a man who's able to accept my not-so-good side as well as my stupidity and my dumb mistakes. 

Well, those are the treats that I find from him so far. Thus, I fully commit on our relationship by taking it to the next level and realize it into an engagement day!

I can't believe I'm finally engaged :)

So hard

Sometimes, it is so hard knowing the fact that my Mom lives abroad. 

I miss my family under one roof. 

Every day of mine

Today was gone. Today was fun. 

Tomorrow is another one. 

Every day, 

From here to there, 

Funny things are everywhere when I'm with you. 

Straight to the eyes

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say..
"But I lived through it.
.. And it made me who I am today".