Taking Days Off

Picture is taken from here

One day I told myself for not doing anything with my usual standard. Give myself a break of doing everything perfect and right. I did not do this because I am tired, no. I did this because I give myself a chance to feel lighter than other ordinary days.

I am a perfectionist, chronic. I can't hate myself but some people (I think) don't get used to it and I feel so uncomfortable knowing this, not because I am too worrying what they say, nor because I am too pitying myself but I want they make peace with me regarding this matter.

So last weekend, I did everything... off.

I woke up late.
I slept earlier.
I did not check my social media accounts for almost a week (except Blogspot and Tumblr).
I did not push my rules to my family, my closest ones.
I did not say, "you have to do this, you have to do that"
I did not say, "I should do this, I should do that"
I did not say, "You should practice harder and harder!" to my piano pupils.
I did not say, "It should be 2cm on the right, no, no, it's not precise!"
I did not say, "I have to clean up all of these messy things!"
I did not say, "How can you forget it??"

Enough.

Enough with this military habits. I need to give myself break and stop being perfectionist in every aspect. I should have personal consideration and awareness of when to apply it and when should I give a break. I need to consider people's condition and not always pushing them to the limit with my own standard.

It is not a matter of how do you want to be treated but how others want to be treated.

Bubble-Balloons And Me

So I got the bubble-balloons with me

When those sparkles things burst out from the inside

Rainbow colors like those colors pencils

I found no gray and black

Please tell me you see them

'Cause what's inside of me is most invisible

Even the sky blue and in the crystal clear view

I am sending the signal to you

I know you're connected with me

Oh my happy faces!

The changes in me

Sunny and rainy days bound together

Oh those my happy days

I break my silence

I grow flower in my heart

I tried and left, they came and went

I got rejected I got accepted

I have worn hundred faces

Nobody sees me

I put this curve on my face

And those butterflies come up and say kind hellos

This one suits me

My days with the bubble-balloons

Forgiveness

Source

To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness - Robert Muller, Assistant Secretary General of the United States


The weak can't never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi said it very well when he said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Forgiveness is also related to loving act. For most people including me, to forgive is very hard to do. In fact to forgive, it takes a whole lot of courage to do it.

However, why do we find it so hard to forgive someone? Maybe because it is too hurt? Is it because of the need to let the person knows that we are angry with him/her? Or is it because if we forgive the person, it means that the person wins?

Forgiving someone does not necessary mean that we approve or agree with what that person did.

Most people think that to forgive is all about the other person. The fact is when you forgive someone, you free yourself from anger; anger is a very strong negative feeling and it blocks you from loving.

Me too. I was struggling to face my anger and I considered myself becoming a very cruel person.


He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.


We cannot love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience of forgiveness is, the greater is our love - Paul Tillich

What I have learnt, being angry allowed the person or situation to take over control of you. By forgiving, you are not only freeing yourself but also taking control of the situation and yourself. Being in control will give you the power to choose your reaction. Thus do yourself a favor today and I always remember that forgiving another person does not set him/her free but it sets you free instead.

Forgiveness is a gift I give to myself instead something I give to another person. It is the best gift I can give to myself and I can benefit greatly from it too.

For the past months, I always learn to forgive and it gives you a lighter feeling that you can ever imagine. Learning to forgive those who have attacked me has been a powerful tool in my life. When I harbor anger and resentment toward another person it only hurts me and I am the one who suffers.

This is a very good lesson for me and for you.

I am always wrong if I can't forgive others. It is for myself and because I still have a very good sincere heart deep down inside. It is because I still value my soul to be a kind-hearted person. It is because I don't want to hold the past and the hatred anymore.

It is because I realise I was once a loving person before my life is full of hatred and anger. But now I want to prove that I am still a loving person and I have the courage to say it by forgiving and release the pain.

Oh This Chemical Feelings

Source: please click here.

I Don't Understand

I don't understand why people would go out of the normal path to hurt each other, when life already hurts so much.

Something Inside My Ribcage

Take space, take time, take air
Breathe deeeeeeeep until my lungs find the cracks in my ribcage,
Find my own corners to curl up in.
These are what I call self-care is survival.

But then I realized I was holding on something that didn't exist anymore.
People change. The things we like and dislike change.
And we can wish it couldn't be that long,

It never works.

I Don't Know

When they ask why we stayed together for so long
I say, "I don't know"
I just know that we cried several time for our foolishness
I know we blushed quite often for the first two years
I know I always stole your blanket and you will be sleeping on the floor
I also know that I actually loved you in the best and most honest ways that I can.

Conservative

I still remember my close friend said to me,

You are conservative because you are too open minded, somehow you know how it will end, that is why you play safe. If someone told you that you are not open minded, I stand by your side, tell the truth, use my logical argument, and explain everything psychologically, or simply in common sense.

Period.

Any question?

Secret of Happiness

Picture is taken from here

Colossians 3:12-17

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

---------------

Dear God,

I am sorry for not having ability to forgive those who hurt me. My forgiveness is only in my mouth, but not in my heart. May You give me serenity and enlightenment that I should learn to forgive. Please do help me. You know what I have been through. You know how hurt it is.

Thank You, Lord.

---------------

1 Corinthians 13


If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness come, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

---------------

Dear God,

Teach me for not growing bitter each day. Fill my heart with love, I don't choose a life to be this lonely and fearful. I just need peace and rest.

Thank You, Lord.

People Who Hug Tight

Picture is taken from here

Who give you long, tight hugs. Their hugs tell you, you are not alone. That someone actually cares. They will engulf you in their arms to comfort you, to make you feel safe and secure. They use this time to lift you when you are feeling down.

It just gives you a feeling of reassurance.

Certain Moments

I don't know it is a curse or a bless.

Being cum-laude student is not a good topic to be mocked. There's a moment I can accept the joke, there's a moment I want to puke.

Guys, bear with me. I had hard times to achieve it, not for being ambitious, but I received it just because for the sake I was paying attention and I don't want to waste my family's trust and support. If you could give some pennies to respect it, will you?

Thank you.

PS: I don't write this to over-react or over-compensate the cum-laude thingy, I want people to make peace with me regarding this matter.

Knowing

You just know when someone maybe really hates you. They start to ignore you, talk if necessary, no more good laughs, awkward.

And you know when you have to keep in silence.

At least you try to love them back.

If they refuse, they also have the right, and you can't fight it back.

As simple as that.

Let's sleep, maybe you just need to spend a weekend talking with good friends.

Wonder if it heals.

Let's break.

His Daughter

So I have this kind of Dad. 

He is always taking the time to understand and hear whatever I was trying to express.

I yell at him, He yells at me.

I mad at him, He loves me more.

He knows my pain, my burdens, my untold stories.

He knows my feelings somehow even I never told him.

He protects me like no one of any man in this world could do that for me.

He is always being there with his support and encouragement. 

He is not sensitive person who easily gets hurt or insulted by others' words.

He once said, love me more than any man you know. 

I answered, I do.

He once said, find the right man who respects you, hugs you, tells that he loves you as often as he can.

I answered, I will.

He once said, never trust any man except me with burst of warm laughter.

I answered, I do.

He once said, you will find the one who can replace me and be with you as your husband.

I answered, I will.

He once said, If you have even a dot of doubt, you have the right to choose.

I answered, I hear. 

Wonderful Father of a girl could ever have

Special to be his daughter.

Those Good Feelings

Those good feelings back in Amsterdam, 1990.

When I have the urge to go back to my childhood.

Happy, alone, completely a stranger in others' country.

I just have the love for my family; Mom, Dad, and two kindhearted sisters.

and also the beautiful and breathtaking scenery in Holland.

One day.

Understanding Introverts

I always curious how every introvert person survives in an extrovert's world by staying inside and calm.   Each person should be having different style facing their life, right? I also always wonder when they have a different perspective and a different approach to the world.

How they find their strength?
How they find their best friends?
How they live their love life?
How they interact with people around them with rich personalities?
How they re-charge their energy?
How they spend their time wisely?

I believe we are all as introverted people could learn from every book we read, from every discussion we attend.

A good new friend and also a writer, Larry Dignan assisted us by collecting some great books on living life as an introvert. You may find advice on everything related to introversion with a great hope to achieve better understanding of our own personality type and find some useful guidance to live our life as our own self and not being others.

If you have spare time, you may find Larry's article very interesting 11 Books Introvert Should Read.

Happy reading :)

Miss Her

Since the day she passed away, I haven't returned yet to her bedroom.

Maybe it's too poignant.

Regret

You may remember when I wrote about how I am more comfortable through writing than talking. For some of you who may not get along with my writing, please ignore what I try to recall you.

Long story short, I have a responsible handling one project at my office. It requires me to be more expressive, pushy, and talking a lot. I am not comfortable with it. I know I have to push myself for the god's sake of professionalism. I know how to adapt and so far I am very good in anger and feelings management. As I have seen myself further, I never put my personal feelings into working life. I never mix feelings and I am sure I am very good at it.

I know how to control. I know.

As an employee in the bottom of hierarchy, I do know I should accept whatever the challenges are. I push myself, harder and harder for something I don't comfortable with.

Until yesterday, I banged up the phone, I was crying, I didn't know how to control anymore.

I ran out of energy, felt so angry for the mistake I never did, for the misunderstanding, for everything. I hate why people yelled at me, called me stupid so blatant for something I never did.

I yelled back, I fought back.

and I regret.

That's the first.

Today's afternoon, I unconsciously replied email to my closest colleagues and my bosses the way too harsh. It is too straight forward kind of words and it is not acceptable in Public Relations industry because we are the people who should be well-trained to fake everything to be as good as possible, we are the people who should be well-trained to please everyone.

And I am failed.

I regret. 


I am so sorry for my attitude. I am just tired if I can make that as an excuse. But I am not supposed to be tired, yes? I know feeling "tired" is not professional at all. If you're complaining too much, why don't you just leave? That's why I shouldn't complain about my job, because if I commit to stay then I have to take all the risks and challenges.

And it is not because of the job itself, to be frank. It is me.

It is me who are not comfortable enough to get in touch with so many people too often. It is me.

I have told you the truth. I realize myself of being introverted person. I know how to deal with myself and how to adapt but sometimes,  my surroundings didn't give me a space to deal with my-introverted-self first, before I am ready to be forced to deal with so many people again.

If I can explain it shortly, my life pace should be like this:

deal with too many people - feel exhausted - recharge myself - ready to deal with so many people again

You read the part "recharge"? Yes, that is the most important part. I need to recharge myself. I need to retreat. I need to give myself a very own me-time to pull my soul back into place.

And not so many people understand about this.

People only can judge me as a loner, pathetic, mellow, full of sorrow and sadness.

I am not. I just need to recharge myself.

I am not like extroverted person who always have excess energy to deal with people.

I just need one or two, and I am happy.


As time goes by, I just wonder that working in this PR industry is not a good option for my mental health. You have seen this domino effect in me for these two days.

When I am tired and prone to bitch back people, it is not me. I don't hold this rules. It is not because I can't survive. It is simply because I actually can choose.

But I have no idea where should I go, and I regret why I chose Communication studies in the first place back then. I thought it should be more suitable for me, the fact is not. Or is it because of my first experience after graduated? Or maybe should I experience more out there and try other companies? Or should I push myself again to hold on any longer so I can make sure whether I really regret or not living in this business?

That is the third regret so far.

Picture is taken from here.
Thanks owner.

The Term "Introvert" Is Not An Excuse

I'd rather having essays than following-up people by phone, emails, talking in person.

Is it too much for you? Live your life on my shoes as introvert. I don't try to make the term "introvert" as an excuse BUT IT IS EXHAUSTING dealing with people.

Just back off, people. I don't need loudness and crowded people in this life. I just need one or two people around me and I am safe.

Déjà vu

April 3, 2012

I will make it short. Everything is getting weird in my life.

I just experienced too many déjà vu in the past four weeks. 

It happened to me periodically, every one or two days, something always suddenly comes up in my head and it is again, déjà vu. I feel like I have already experienced one moment. No, it is not like that. I already know it would be happened. 

Since it happens quite often recently, I always try to write it when I dream of something, it is more like a glimpse, not clear. I write it and then I just wait until when it would be happened. 

It is scary but true, it will happen. In the next one or two months, three or four months. 

All of these personal experiences (so far) are related to my friends, colleagues, boyfriend, the ambience of my home at Bogor, and the ambience of daily office. 

I never dream about something horrible like disasters or.. you mention.. something bad, perhaps. 

Never.

It is daily activities, it is regular thing but I have dreamt it before. And I start to doubt whether is it a déjà vu or not. 

Déjà vu is more like we have the feeling that we have experienced a moment. In my case, I have dreamt it before it happens. But another source said that the "previous" experience is most frequently attributed to a dream, although in some cases there is a firm sense that the experience has genuinely happened in the past. 

Been thinking about this lately and I am confused whether I am talking about the past or the future right now. 

I don't ask you to believe me, it is simply for the sake of my personal record. I surely encounter new thing in my life. Everything wouldn't be the same again.

If I can say.. 

help me?